10 Distressing Toys Unfit For Children

5. Special Man

This one barely requires words it’s dripping with so much shame. The off centre packaging, the Word Art font, the caught-in-the-act look on the figurines face, it’s all so amazingly shoddy. It’s a bird, it’s a plane. No wait, it’s Greg from accounting – he’s a special man.

4. Inflatable Toast

It must have been a slow day at the toy factory when this shoddy piece of crap got the green light. It’s a piece of inflatable toast. That’s it. That’s all it is. You blow it up and you’re done. It’s most notable feature is how well it fits in the bin.

3. Transformers: Kiss Players

This was a storyline of Transformers that ran in Japan from 2006 to 2007. The premise revolved around a group of young girls known as ‘Kiss Players’ who would give the Transformers certain power ups by kissing them. A toy line was released concurrently with the series, depicting tiny pre-teen girls in miniskirts canoodling with giant robots. To say it was inappropriate is an understatement as the series copped backlash from critics the world over. So long sweet innocent childhood, we had some good times.

2. Sense of Right Alliance

This one slides into the dodgy knock-off category and admittedly it’s so bad it’s awesome. Never before has Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Shrek, a power ranger and a yellow car teamed up to thwart crime. By day they contend with copyright infringement lawsuits and by night they serve up their own mixed brand of justice. Evil doers won’t stand a chance against the Sense of Right Alliance!

1. Policeman and Bum

Another stroke of stupidity from the clowns down at Playmobil. It’s the Policeman and Bum. This charming play-set depicts a policeman telling off a homeless man for sleeping on a park bench. The level of detail is astounding from the tramp’s bundle and stick to the bottle of fortified liquor firmly clipped in hand. How this one got approval is beyond me.