Whether you’re religious or not it’s always fascinating to take a look at the deities that have been worshipped in the past, particularly the little known ones that are completely bizarre. So join us as we take a look at 7 outrageous gods in history.
Little is known about this strange god. His role is to preside over belly button lint. That’s right he is the God of that awful junk that gets stuck in your belly button. The Romans were obsessed with having a god for everything and so it stands to reason that there is indeed a concerned deity up in the clouds obsessing over fluff caught in belly buttons.
In Greek mythology Priapus is considered the god of fruits, plants, gardens and male genitalia. In the age of antiquity Priapus was mostly considered the idol of a cult dedicated to sophisticated pornography, however he was very popular throughout Asia minor with statues dedicated to him often found in gardens. He is depicted as being a gaunt, gnome-like character with an oversized permanent erection. Scholars have suggested that Priapus is a precursor to the common garden gnome found in many gardens today.
Fun Fact: A grindcore band based in North Carolina take their name from this god.
The origins of this mysterious god aren’t entirely clear, drawing possible provenance from Greek, Egyptian and Hebrew texts. Thought to be a god of all opposites, psychologist Carl Jung described Abraxas as a higher god than the Christian God and Devil combining both good and evil into one deity.
The best part of Abraxas are his physical features. He has the head of a chicken, the body of a man, his legs are snakes and he is often depicted as having scorpion feet. In one hand he holds a shield called power and in the other a whip called wisdom. So if he doesn’t peck out your jugular or bite you with his snake legs or sting you with his scorpion feet he’ll just whip you in the face and call it wisdom.
You might remember this crazy cat from the James Bond film Live and Let Die. Originating in Haiti, Baron Samedi is the voodoo god of the dead. He is depicted with a black tuxedo, a top-hat, dark sun glasses and cotton stuffed up his nose, appearing as though he is a corpse prepared for burial in the Haitian tradition. He is said to dwell on the cross-roads between the land of the living and the land of the dead. With a particular fondness for spicy rum and cigarettes, he tends to cause mischief and runs a pretty filthy mouth, constantly swearing and telling dirty jokes. When he’s not drunk and chasing after mortal women he greets the newly deceased and shows them the ropes of the underworld. I’m not really sure what the moral of this god is – drink and be filthy?
Cardea is the ancient Roman Goddess of door hinges. Yep, her primary concern is the proper functioning of the metal pivot that regulates the opening and closing of doors. So next time you have a squeaky door why not pray to Cardea for a little dab of oil. It is also thought that she has a fondness for mashed beans – huh, go figure.
In Aztec mythology Tlazolteotl was the goddess of filth, midwives, adultery and steam baths. Known as ‘the dirt eater’ this charming deity could give you S.T.D’s and inspire acts of vicious desire while at the same time invite you into her steam bath to be cleansed of sin. She demanded offerings of ‘liquid gold’ (urine) and ‘divine excrements’ of which she’d smear around her mouth and nose. Hmmmm, I’ll just take the steam bath thanks.
According to Greek mythology Cronus was the leader of the first generation of Titans. Now, this guy is pretty whack. To condense a very long story basically he cut off his father’s junk and threw it in the ocean then married his sister and ruled during the golden age of Greek mythology. Fearing retribution from his own children for castrating his father he promptly ate them all. His sister/wife managed to hide their last child and gave Cronus a rock dressed as a baby of which he ate also. Some years later, he was forced by his estranged son to regurgitate all the children he ate. And of course for some reason they were all alive. Moral of the story? Don’t cut your dad’s bits off or marry your sister or eat children.
Talk about a bunch of outrageous gods in history!