Super heroes have long held the fascination of the public. We all know the famous ones, Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman but what about the lame ones? There are literally thousands of super heroes that have graced the pages of comic books – they can’t all be cool can they? So join us as we take a look at 5 truly lame super heroes.
Meet Floyd Belkin, a mild-mannered handsome man that carries a very impractical secret – he is Arm-Fall-Off-Boy! With the ability to pull off his own arm and bludgeon people with it, this half-baked character doesn’t quite live up to the awesomeness of his super-hero cohort. Surely a fleshy arm doesn’t cause much damage and what, holding a baseball bat with two hands is a bit too practical? I can’t believe we haven’t seen an epic feature film of this guy yet. Admittedly this character was written to be lame but is just so ridiculous he had to make this list. It should be mentioned that Arm-Fall-Off-Boy’s arch nemesis is an uneven surface, should he trip and need to brace himself the consequences would be dire.
This is Tenzil Kem, he is Matter-Eater-Lad, and he can eat everything. Born on Bismoll, a planet so ravaged by microbial food contamination the poor Bismollians had to evolve the ability to eat all matter. Matter-Eater-Lad was the fifteenth member inducted into the Legion of Super Heroes; however writers quickly discovered what a poxy character they had on their hands when they were unable to use his powers convincingly in a fight.
‘Don’t worry Aqua Man I’ll eat his fist before it touches your handsome face!’
In fact, he was so useless they eventually wrote him into politics and so he became the voice of reason for his fellow Bismollians.
Meet Alison Blaire she is The Dazzler, part super-hero, part strong independent woman and one hell of a disco superstar. With the ability to manipulate sound into a strobing light force, The Dazzler thrusts and shimmies her way through endless hordes of bad dudes. She sings and dances and has a preference for the steady beat of contemporary music to channel her powers – oh and she’s a killer on the roller skates too.
The Dazzler’s origin story is one of devious marketing and ultimately failed execution. In the mid 70’s Casablanca Records commissioned Marvel to come up with a character that could sing and dance while they would produce a pop-star to tie-in with the comic series. They had grand plans with Filmworks to produce a movie but ultimately must have realised what a tacky character they had on their hands as the project was scrapped. The Dazzler did continue in comic book form though, jiving her way into the X-men and even a position in the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
The Red Bee
Richard Raleigh is The Red Bee, assistant district attorney by day, lame-arse crime fighter by mid-afternoon. Richard carries a pet bee named Michael in his belt buckle and that’s pretty much it. Oh and he fights Nazis and gangsters. This is actually all there is to this guy. Can you imagine fighting crime with a single bee at your disposal? You could leave one itchy red lump on one bad guy. And every episode of this comic would have to end on a cliff-hanger because poor Michael would die after he finally stung someone.
‘Why Michael? WHY?
This mind boggling character is the brain spawn of DC Comics. The Dogwelder belongs to a band of misfit ‘super heroes’ that go by the name Section 8. He is a thin, deranged fellow that lives in an alleyway. He spends most of his time setting traps for dogs that he then uses to weld to the face of bad guys. That’s right, his speciality is spot-welding dogs to people’s faces. I can’t even begin to process this ‘special’ power. Dogs don’t even possess the properties to become molten. In reality the charred dog corpse would just sort of slide off the evil-doer’s face making one really awkward situation.