From a clairvoyant Jesus robot to practice cigarettes, join us as we take a look at 15 weird toys you don’t want to get this Christmas.
15. Undercover Maid
There’s nothing like empowering young girls and boys to be action heroes but reminding them that the domestic chores still need doing. Battle crime and dirt at the same time with this laser vacuum cleaner. Piew piew!
14. Road Kill Toys
Imagine watching your child’s face on Christmas morning as they unwrap one of these horrendous plushies. From the twisted minds over at Road Kill Toys comes a selection of freshly squished, furry critters. Created with gruesome detail you can choose from selection of splattered animals such as a disemboweled bunny named Grind or an eviscerated raccoon named Twitch.
This holiday season teach your children about the crushing reality of accident induced death! Merry Christmas!
13. Tuttuki Bako
Created in 2008 by toy company Bandai, this handheld electronic box lets you digitally poke pixelated images. Yep, slide your finger into the hole and revel in the joy of poking a blob, a girl’s face or a weird squid thing – and that’s about it. Oh, I think you can program the finger box to wake you up in the morning. So for US$40 you can poke holes and get woken up – bargain!
12. God Jesus
In your prayers at night have you ever secretly wished Jesus would return in robot form? Well thanks to Bandai, the lord saviour has reincarnated as Rob the robot.
God Jesus was a 1980s toy in Japan that would answer questions in a yes or no format similar to a magic 8 ball. On the side of the box is a young boy asking if he’ll find love. The answer, according to God Jesus, is a resounding NO! Perhaps he’s praying to the wrong robot god?
11. Benign Girl
Forget Barbie, this holiday season all the kids want ‘Benign Girl’. She’s battery operated, creative, has ‘various music’ and is thankfully free from cancer.
This bizarre little Japanese toy blushes and blinks every time you press the letter ‘H’ on your keyboard. In Japanese a naughty H-word, one that the doll is waiting for you to type, is Hentai. Hentai being a sub-genre of anime or manga that is overly sexualised. So basically this doll sits there and judges you when you search for porn.
9. Lil Monkey Baby Doll
Let’s hope no one gets this blatantly racist doll for Christmas. The doll set pairs a young girl with a monkey, a banana and a hat that says “lil’ monkey”. The distributor Costco got significant media attention after consumer backlash forced them to take the product off the shelves.
8. Moxie Girlz Poopzy Pets
‘Poopsy Pets, poop silly poop’. Yep, I think toys have hit a new low. So first of all, you make these ridiculous animals poop about the place, which is just weird, but then you feed the poop back to the animal! What is wrong with the developers of this toy?
Also, I would pay money to see the voice over artist singing this theme song in the studio.
7. Water Wiennie
If your creepy uncle gives you this for Christmas and suggests you wet each other with your water wiennies, I’d suggest you call some kind of helpline. This is what you call a grooming present.
6. Flying Poop Toilet
What is with poop related toys these days? From what we can gather, this Japanese toy fires little poops out of a selection of coloured toilets. I’m not really sure what you’d use this toy for, fire off a couple of stinkers, chuckle mildly, then put it straight in the bin? Let’s hope kids don’t take this literally and start firing their poops out of real toilets.
5. Mower and Dad
Apparently mowing the lawn is so much fun they had to make a toy out of it. This is a remote control dad. That’s all it is. It’s a dad, pushing a mower. A few words come to mind when I look at this ‘toy’ – tedious, dull, beige.
4. Golden Penis Putter
On a scale of one to weird toys, this is right up there!
For the discerning golfer that needs to work on their short game. The golden penis putter is a discrete, personal putter that works great on both the front and back nine, allowing you to putt more than just balls into the hole.
3. Cry Baby Yume-Chan
The brains down at Japanese toy company Tomy have come up with a new way to terrify children. Yume-Chan is a doll that cries watery tears when you inject it with a giant hypodermic needle. There’s nothing like introducing and reinforcing unnecessary fears to children at a young age.
2. Am I Like Father?
Admittedly this weird toy was manufactured back in the 50s, so there’s little chance you’ll get it for Christmas – but that’s a good thing. This prop cigarette prompted children to practice smoking just like their dads. It came with one fake cigarette, what looks like a replacement filter and a box of ‘pirate’ matches with a depiction of native Americans on the front. I guess you had to start them early back in the 50s.
1. My Cleaning Trolley
If you want to enforce gender stereotypes onto your daughters nice and early then this is the gift to get this Christmas. This piece of crap comes with a vacuum, a mop, a broom and some other cleaning paraphernalia. If the manufacturer’s agenda wasn’t clear enough, it even says ‘girls only’ on the box.
So there’s our list of 15 weird toys you don’t want to get this Christmas. Did this listicle of weird toys make you want to write a new Christmas wish list? If so, let us know on Twitter and Facebook.