From a gag inducing lovers mitten to a white-hot branding iron for your significant other, join us as we take a very lonely look at 10 of the worst Valentine’s day gifts ever.
10. Valentine’s Day Heart Mitten
This Valentine’s day heart mitten, found in the foul depths of Etsy, is sure to strip your relationship of even the most mildly arousing thoughts. Touted as a cosy, lovers mitten that will make strangers smile as you walk down the street, this gag-inducing Valentine’s day gift is essentially a pair of spousal handcuffs. Now you can parade around town in the crippling fug of your own humiliation. Enjoy!
9. These Interesting Valentine’s Day Cards
This collection of Valentine’s day cards convey a range of human emotions.
Nothing like accosting a loved one with a gun and demanding their affection.
I don’t think emotional blackmail is the right way to go either…
This Matthew Mcconaughey greeting card, however, will have your Valentine weak at the knees.
Or this vintage Valentine’s day card might do the trick too!
8. Heart Branding Iron
This Valentine’s day why not sear each other’s flesh?
This love heart branding iron can be modified to have you and your lover’s initials on it. This bad boy will make sure there’s no cheating ever again; your partner will be tagged and cataloged for the rest of time – endearing isn’t it?
7. Valentine’s iPhone Hand Case
Ever been so desperately in love you couldn’t bare to take a phone call without letting go of your lover’s hand? Well thanks to Japan and this bizarre iPhone case, you’ll never have to feel crushing loneliness ever again, not even for a second. I’m sure this silicone hand can keep you company in other ways too…
6. Love Udon
Nothing says love like slurping up some udon noodles. This set of coloured love noodles, from Japan Trend Shop, are said to be perfect for romantic occasions. With his and her colours, you’ll have your partner weak at the knees when you announce on Valentine’s day you’ve cooked up a steamy batch of udon to munch on. Who says romance is dead?
5. Make Out Pillow
This one’s more for those who’ll be alone this Valentine’s day. Created by designer Emily King, this ‘let’s make out’ pillow is designed for people to practice kissing. The idea came to her in middle school when people would mention that they practiced kissing a pillow. And so, these soulless couch ornaments were born, ready for you to pucker up at a moments notice.
Now when Steve says he won’t come out for beers this weekend, you probably know why.
4. Anything from 1800-flowers
— Jeremey Rodriguez (@mountaingoat99) February 15, 2015
On Valentine’s day 2015 a ton of upset customers Tweeted photos of what they had received from 1800-flowers. It ranged from bouquets of dead flowers to gifts not showing up at all. The poor florist’s social media team was inundated with customer complaints.
Is it really the thought that counts or do shitty, dead flowers create too much of a glaring metaphor for your doomed relationship?
Here’s some of 1800-flowers finest work:
— Jena Nieves (@NievesJena) February 14, 2015
— kasey doeing (@kaseydtweets) February 14, 2015
— Jim szumlaski (@Zoomer112us) February 15, 2015
3. Make Me Babies
Perhaps if you and your partner are celebrating your first Valentine’s day, you might want to give this a miss. MakeMeBabies.com allows you to upload a photo of you and your partner to see what your babies might look like. Finally through the miracles of modern science you can gaze at the face of your unborn child.
Nothing says love like a loudly ticking biological clock.
For the sake of empirical research we couldn’t help but plug in some photos. Meet little baby Connor. The offspring of Oprah and a steamed dim sim:
2. Karma Sutra Cookies
This Valentine’s day give your lover a subtle edible hint as to what you really want this year.
Made by a company called Sweet Sanctions, this ‘Naughty Cookie Box’ as it’s known, comes in a set of four cookies. Each cookie shows off some wild bedroom acrobatics. According to their Amazon listing, the cookies come in colours ranging from light, medium, dark and even ‘interracial flesh tone’.
The sugar from these ultra-sweet treats isn’t the only thing that will get your pulse racing this Valentine’s day.
If you’re keen to try these amorous cookies, you can get them on Amazon here.
1. Edible Anus
Chocolate is no stranger on Valentine’s day but what about a chocolate mold of someone’s anus?
From the kooky mind of inventor Magnus Irvin, comes the edible anus. A sweet chocolate treat set in the mold of an anus. For a tidy fee of US$38.95 the company will send five boxes of milk chocolate brown eyes for you and your lover to devour.
If you’re feeling even more adventurous you can have your own anus set in bronze. For just US$1,900 Irvin himself will create a mold of your very own bottom bulls-eye which will be turned into an immaculate bronze ornament.