Looking back over our childhoods it becomes apparent that not all toys were created with good intentions. From dodgy knock-offs to sexually overt imagery. Join us as we take a look at some truly despicable toys. Enjoy!
These strange long-limbed characters were released in the mid-nineties by a company called Ertl. They look harmless enough until you realise their true purpose. These dolls were designed to be shaken and strangled. When you wrap your hands around their slender necks and give them a good shake they make a disconcerting gurgling noise. That’s right kids, sever the brain stem!
Understandably, these shaken baby syndrome training aids were quickly recalled from stores.
The Kaba Kick
Russian roulette for kids! First load the gun with pretend bullets then hold it to your head and pull the trigger. If the gun doesn’t go off you win a point and hand it to a friend. Repeat this until the gun goes off and a pink hippo kicks you in the head. Ummmm, what?
The Peekaboo Dance Pole
My first stripper pole. This abomination was being sold by UK retailer Tesco under their toys and games section online. Its description reads: ‘Unleash the sex kitten inside…simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go! Soon you’ll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars’. How the shit did this make it to production? Surely at some point, someone, somewhere during the creation, production and marketing phases would have thought ‘Hmmmm maybe this isn’t a good idea?’
Toymaker giant Playmobil have gone a taken a dump on your childhood. This play-set let’s you empty a toilet. The portable dump den comes with two little workers and a wheelbarrow, talk about hours of fun. Designed for ages 4 and up this’ll inspire kids everywhere to reach for the stars.
Mcdonald’s Mc Drive Thru Center
A deft piece of indoctrination from the corporate clowns at McDonald’s. Get your kid’s training early for the career of a lifetime with this McDonald’s drive through window play-set. They’ll learn vital cash handling skills, get hospitality experience and develop that special kind of headache that comes with flipping burgers for minimum wage.
This one barely requires words it’s dripping with so much shame. The off centre packaging, the Word Art font, the caught-in-the-act look on the figurines face, it’s all so amazingly shoddy. It’s a bird, it’s a plane. No wait, it’s Greg from accounting – he’s a special man.
It must have been a slow day at the toy factory when this shoddy piece of crap got the green light. It’s a piece of inflatable toast. That’s it. That’s all it is. You blow it up and you’re done. It’s most notable feature is how well it fits in the bin.
Transformers: Kiss Players
This was a storyline of Transformers that ran in Japan from 2006 to 2007. The premise revolved around a group of young girls known as ‘Kiss Players’ who would give the Transformers certain power ups by kissing them. A toy line was released concurrently with the series, depicting tiny pre-teen girls in miniskirts canoodling with giant robots. To say it was inappropriate is an understatement as the series copped backlash from critics the world over. So long sweet innocent childhood, we had some good times.
Sense of Right Alliance
This one slides into the dodgy knock-off category and admittedly it’s so bad it’s awesome. Never before has Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Shrek, a power ranger and a yellow car teamed up to thwart crime. By day they contend with copyright infringement lawsuits and by night they serve up their own mixed brand of justice. Evil doers won’t stand a chance against the Sense of Right Alliance!
Policeman and Bum
Another stroke of stupidity from the clowns down at Playmobil. It’s the Policeman and Bum. This charming play-set depicts a policeman telling off a homeless man for sleeping on a park bench. The level of detail is astounding from the tramp’s bundle and stick to the bottle of fortified liquor firmly clipped in hand. How this one got approval is beyond me.